Dark Secrets and Communication

Having someone know some of your deep, dark secrets can be a comforting thing. Some times, not so much. Monster knows mine. I don't think there is a secret I haven't shared with him. He's so easy to just talk to that I don't guard what I say. A long time ago I shared one of my childhood secrets, after a comment my mom made. The kind of silly thing that kids wish for when they're little, only to be embarrassed about it later.

Last night we were watching movies and I asked him what he put in. He responded with "Big Top Pee-Wee" and a snarky smile. Uhh...okay? I know what you're thinking. "And? What's so embarrassing about that? Besides the fact that it's Pee-Wee Herman?" Dear readers of my rambling thoughts, I am going to tell you a very humiliating secret. One that makes me want to hide in a hole and pretend I don't exist.

Are you ready? Don't laugh. Okay, you can laugh a little. It's kinda funny.

I used to love Pee-Wee. I would walk around and tell my mom and gramma that some day, I would marry him.

Ohhh the shame! I know, pretty embarassing, right? Well this one thing is what my family loves to reminise about when I'm around. Especially with an imitation of me as a little kid. It's not something I can stop, I've tried. They think it's hilarious so they think I should be reminded. Evil family. But now you all know my shame. Yikes! No teasing please?

This little story has a purpose. I promise. I talk to people on FetLife a lot. I run a little's group there and get the random "what should I do" messages. Here lately there has been an influx. Most revolve around a communication barrier. That secret up there, it's a communication between Monster and I (and my family and close family friends). I'm telling you, sometimes I wonder if we talk too much. But we have a pretty strong relationship where I don't feel afraid of talking to him. So when I get these messages, I pull out the most important part of our relationship, Communication.

Take my Pee-Wee love for example. It's not my proudest moment. It really isn't detrimental to our relationship. But instead of just shrugging it off and telling him, "oh it's nothing," when he asked what my mom was talking, I told him. I mean, why not, my mom would have eventually. And at least I got to share before my mom embellished the "love" I had for the guy. It was embarrassing and my face was red the whole time. But it brought us closer. That small, insignificant tid bit of information, that I shared with him. He didn't have to find out from someone else and I think that's important. That I was the one who told him, however small it was.

With that admission, I felt more comfortable sharing other stuff. Important stuff. Relationship stuff. But it takes small steps if you're not used to sharing certain parts of yourself. I haven't always blurted stuff out to him. Sometimes he had to pry. Sometimes I had to write him letters. Sometimes I had to write out my thoughts in my journal. It all depended on what was going on in my head. Some things were easier to talk about, but I eventually got to the point where I didn't need those barriers. There was an internal debate. Yes, I talk to myself, but this time it was in my head, so it's okay. It went like this...

You trust him to tie you up, spank, poke, and prod, put his hands on your throat, but you don't trust him to tell him your secrets?

Well geeze, put like that...I trust him with my secrets. I just get embarrassed.

And him seeing you naked and in weird positions isn't embarassing?

Yeah.

So...

Okay, yeah that makes sense. It's not the same thing exactly, but it makes sense.

FINALLY!!

After that, I could talk to him about the embarassing stuff. The stuff I didn't want to share, but did want to at the same time. My shameful, scared to reveal letters slowed down and my random comments picked up. Those important discussions we had about issues and expectations, desires, etc. Got a whole lot more frequent and I felt more secure in our relationship. But it all begins and ends with communicating with each other. Even when it was hard, it was still a necessary evil. Even when later on, you will get a reminder of who you used to dream of marrying. Communication is vital to all of this that we do. And I am going to end this before I get uber rambly about how important I feel communication is in a relationship.