Sunday, April 29, 2012

Thoughts on being ignored

Here lately I have noticed a trend on FetLife. It comes up every so often with new waves of people joining in group discussions there. The trend: Ignoring as a form of punishment.


This is something that really can't be generalized as an okay thing. Some people can handle being ignored, others can't. I am one of those ones that can't. Unless of course the main goal in ignoring is to get me to distrust you. Which, I don't think is the point in a punishment. Call me crazy, but I would think that punishment would be a way to bring the people closer, not further away. Knowing that the other cares enough to pull you away from a dangerous edge...I dunno. Just what I think.

For me (and please remember this is how my relationship works), ignoring me is the fastest way to get me to dislike you. If I upset you, ignoring me will make the situation worse, not better. I understand taking a break to digest and clear your head. But still keeping open lines of communication.

    Example:

    Person A: Right now I need to take a step back and see where my thoughts are on this. We will continue this discussion later, when we are both clear headed.
    Cool beans, I got it. We both need to reflect and see where we are at. No finger pointing, no blaming, no banishment. Got it.
    Person B: I can't believe...blah, blah, blah...so mad...I can't even look at you...I don't want to see you, hear you, or know you for (x-amount of time).
    This, no bueno. Nope. Doesn't work. Sadly, I have had this kind of thing happen. The outcome, one very ticked of girl. You had your say, now I will have mine. Ignore me? Have fun ignoring me when I'm not even there to ignore. I am gone.

I don't do ignoring, flat out, not gonna happen. I have been told this makes me less submissive to Monster. I don't think it does, I think him knowing this bit of information about me, helps our relationship. Him knowing that I do have that limit and it's not a pushable one, keeps us on the same wavelength. He knows that if he ignores me, I will slowly lose my respect for him. And once it hits a point, I will be gone.

That little break, isn't a form of ignoring for me. He doesn't say you are cut off from me, just that we both need to reflect. If something outside of that issue comes up, I still have access to him.

So when I see these posts go up talking about how distraught a person is from being ignored, I cringe. How is this growth if it tears a person down so much? But I also see these posts where there are people who can handle being ignored. Their responses clearly state why or how they don't freak out over it. And it's a live and let live area. I see these responses from D-types that say things like, "and this is why subs don't make the rules, you all leave out the best tools of discipline." *Head shake* What? I don't see how it can be seen as beneficial for those that can't mentally/emotionally handle it. (Side-note: Entry coming up explaining how my rules get establshed.)

As promised...a rare nugget of wisdom from Monster. Hope you enjoy his insight on this.


Ignoring as a form of punishment, in my opinion, is counter productive. If MN, does something that warrants a punishment, it meets the crime. Time outs when she gets out of line, although it's very rare, do happen. She has "Quiet Self Reflection Time", during that, we start off talking. I tell her what I am not happy with and give her questions to answer. She tells me why she felt the need to act in whatever manor she did. Open lines of communication. She always knows though, no matter what, she's my puzzle piece.

We have spent far too much time working through her insecurities for me to just throw them back in her face. In her mind, me ignoring her is like saying she isn't worth my time. I know that it will bring out the fight or flight instincts (and my girl, well, she does both. She can verbally retaliate and then turn on a heel and run). It would bring back those fears and feelings of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Her faith in me would slip and she would question our relationship. Which defeats the purpose of the work we have put into it. The hours of talking and learning each other on an intimate level.

Ignoring for me is not even a last resort option. She has yet to do anything that has set me off to the point of not wanting to talk things through with her. I doubt there ever will be. We talk things to death. Ignoring her would devestate that balance we have. That trust that no matter what happens, she can come to me knowing I will listen. How am I providing her soft place if I can turn a cold shoulder and walk away. That's a way to show her, her soft spot is only there for good things, not everything.

8 comments:

  1. Ignoring the behavior is pretty workable, but ignoring th person? Not so much. There is a difference.

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    1. I agree with there being a difference. Ignoring certain behaviors is okay, as long as they aren't destructive behaviors. Then those need to be brought up and discussed.

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  2. I'm with you on being ignored. Ignore me, I'm gone.

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  3. I love your Monster, and I'm glad that he's who he is, and feels the way he does, and I'm so glad he's your Daddy. He's a good one (even if he does make me askeered sometimes :-P)

    I think you hit it right on the head...no wait that was Monster - 'me ignoring her is like saying she isn't worth my time'. that's it exactly. I've had enough experience in my life with not being worth someone's time. I expect more from my Daddy.

    I too spend lots of my time wiating for that other shoe to drop. Daddy says "Now I think we need to talk about..." and my heart starts pounding & I think 'uh-oh' here comes that other shoe! And I'm thinking about all the bad things he can tell me - I know my eyes have to be big as saucers, I know my breathing has accelerated, I know he has to smell the adrenaline, then his last words come out "...what to have for dessert." What? no shoe whizzing past my head?

    Daddy is teaching me slowly that there is no other shoe, never was with him, we're both quite happy barefoot. (I'm a hard sell though...poor Daddy!)

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    1. Hehe, I lurves him biiiiig muches. He knows me, what can I say. I didn't have to tell him it makes me feel unworthy. He just knew. He's not very scary...most of the time. He's likr a momma bear, except for a boy not a girl. Snuggly and scary. Makes my heart go pitter-pat. Lol.

      I lol'ed at the shoe. Sounds similar to some of my earlier experiences. The "oh no, oh no, wait, whaaaaat? That's it?" situations. Lol. Hard sells are the best sells, I guess.

      You can do it Juniebug, I know you can. :)

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  4. Even though this comment comes a year after the post :) I can't tell you how much comfort reading this post has given me. The Daddy I was slowly developing a relationship with recently decided to ignore/abandon me without a word of explanation after I took a step back for a couple of days because my spidey senses kept screaming 'something's not right here'. He was starting to withdraw affection periodically for no apparent reason and then shower it down so the signs were there. It's taken a lot of mental control to not blame myself, keep my self esteem and self respect high to feel happy and whole again. A staggering amount of time, trust and intimacy - gone. It's the cruellest and most callous way I've ever been treated in any relationship and no one deserves that. So, thank you for addressing this issue and glad I came across this post today just as I feel like normal happy self again. All my gratitude to you both x (excuse the Anon name :)

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    1. An entire year after the fact, sorry for a late reply. >_<

      'A staggering amount of time, trust and intimacy - gone. It's the cruellest and most callous way I've ever been treated in any relationship and no one deserves that."

      Nobody deserves that kind of treatment, at all. I am so sorry that you even had to deal with this, it's not a good feeling. Hopefully since this comment you have found someone more deserving, that doesn't use any kind of ignoring techniques, or one that has a better understanding of communication. :)

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