My Scars and Me

Scars. Everyone has them. Whether they are physical or emotional scars. The physical presence will spark reminders. The emotional ones may never be noticed. Some scars may be constant reminders, some may have fond memories. I have scars that can make me smile when I see them. Some remind me of difficult times.

I have a scar on the inside of my wrist. A vertical little scar that's about an inch long. I never pay attention to this scar. Just ignore it to the best of my ability. For some reason I noticed it in the shower today.

It's small and easily hidden behind my "LOVE" bracelet that I always wear. A big, wide band of pink that Monster says fits me very well. That scar rarely sees the light of day. When I see it, I remember being fifteen and tired. Just so tired of everything. I was lost and trying to find my way back after the death of someone very, very close to me. That scar reminds me of giving up and of persevering. Letting go and of grabbing ahold of life. Very few people know of it's existence and if they do, even fewer know how it came to be.

That thin little white line reminds me of what all could have been lost forever. My son, my step-kids, my Monster, my family, books, music, laughing, love, acceptance...my life. When I noticed it today, I was so thankful for what didn't happen after that line was cut into my skin. Thankful for the things that came afterwards. So overwhelmingly appreciative of my cowardice. My scar of hope.

I have a scar on my pelvis. A scar that brings me tremendous joy when I think of it. Pain and joy and life. My son's exit from the womb into this world. That horizontal scar that's about eight inches wide, reminds me of battles and accomplishments. Of what was supposed to never be, but is. The white line with little white dots that run alongside it. The scar that shows that if you fight hard enough, you will be rewarded. A right when everything seemed to be going wrong. My scar of miracles and tomorrows. Promises and uncondtional love. That scar shows my greatest battle and my greatest achivement. My scar of love.

I have a scar on my knee. A white chunk of bumpy skin. When I see it, I laugh. The value of a lesson learned. That scar reminds me of what happens when you don't tie your shoes. That scar that's forever a reminder of youth and games. It makes me think of being in 3rd grade and picking the scab. Having a friend spend the night and jumping on the bed. Stopping when we notice blood on my leg. Then noticing a brown, crusty scab on the bed. Picking up the scab and chasing my friend through the house, while she laughs and screams. That scar that brings me joy and warmth. My scar of rebellion.

I have a scar on my heart. One that no one else can see. Invisible and always there. It hurts to think of, but reminds me to be thankful. It was opened and reopened over several years. My scar that only I can feel. It brings saddness and a feeling of loss. Of times when silence was better than screaming into maddness. Promising myself that one day, some day, it would all be better. My scar of lost innocence.

I have another scar on my heart. It goes deep. Invisible to those who don't know me. It's a scar I share with my mother. The scar that reminds me of a role-model. The person I aspire to be. It still aches. With each passing year, there's always a dull pain. To remind me. Remind me of a very special woman. My best friend. My guidance counselor when I needed it. My shoulder. My grandmother. That scar that keeps her with me everywhere I go. My scar of beauty, love, and grace.

My scars. They may not be pretty and some of them may not have pretty stories. Pretty or not, they are a part of me. Telling the story of a girl's life. Joyful and regretful. Lost and confused. Proud and hard earned. Battles, in one way or another. Reminding me that no matter what, life keeps going. Times may get hard, but giving up is not the easy way. Like the lyrics, "If you're going through Hell, keep on going, don't slow down. If you're scared, don't show it. You might get out, before the devil even knows you're there. If you're going through Hell, keep on going. Face that fire, walk right through it."

My scars, they are my beauty and strength. My reminders of me. Who I am, what I've done, where I've gone, and where I still have yet to go. My scars and me.