Friday, May 25, 2012

Thoughts on "Topping From The Bottom"

I said in my last post that I might write about "topping from the bottom." Monster read my last post and we got to talking about TFTB. So while it's still fresh in my mind, I'm gonna get it all written down.

I asked him what his idea of TFTB was. His response was a laugh. What can I say, he's simply eloquent. ;) I told him I seriously wanted to know.

    "Topping from the bottom isn't something I've personally dealt with. But I would say it is a sub manipulating a Dom to get what they want."

    "Manipulating a Dom?" *funny, confused face*

    "Yeah, I know. Not very easy."

Sounds good, right? But how is it something he has never dealt with? I mean, I'm loud, I can be mouthy, and I don't mind telling him when something isn't working. Wouldn't that be TFTB? In my opinion, no. Here's why...

In my last post I said that it can happen when the Dom allows it. But I also said I don't believe in TFTB. Contradictory, yes, very. These thoughts might offend some people, but what comes next are my feelings and thoughts on it. You may agree and you may not.

If you're in a D/s relationship and have a submissive, it doesn't necessarily mean you are a Dominant person. You might be able to dominate a certain type, but you might not posses a Dominant personality. So TFTB can happen. And that's not a bad thing. Those types just might not get along with opinionated/strong-willed submissives.

That's where the TFTB if he allows it comes in. But, again, to me it's still not trying to top the Dom. For example:

    Monster loves shibari and rope. If we are cuddling on the couch and there is rope anywhere near him, 10 to 1 he is going to grab one of my body parts and start tying me up. If it hurts in any way, I will say it's not right. He stops and adjusts. All's good. Was I trying to top him? No, I was communicating discomfort. He knows that, I know that, we go on about our business.

    If he is doing something and I tell him a different way might be better, he will try it out. If I was right he will say, good lookin' out. If I was wrong and his way was better he will say, it was a good idea. Topping from the bottom? No, I was trying to be helpful.

The next example is totally hypothetical, but we both know what the outcome would be.

    If I were to say, you do this or you don't get that. Well that would end up with him laughing at me and taking "that" anyway. Hence, TFTB might happen, if the Dom allows it. Monster doesn't leave any room for me to question who's in charge. I know who is.

There are times when I read about Doms saying that a sub is trying to top from the bottom. Sometimes it comes off as sounding like they're trying to place all the blame on the sub for their failures. Then it makes me think about everyone putting so much emphasis on D/s roles that they forget, under it all, we're all still humans and in a partnership. Both sides have responsibilities and are responsible for the upkeep of that partnership. If one fails, they both fail. Whether it's the top not asserting their dominance or the sub needing to feel that assertion and acting out trying to get it. Communicating that need is vitally important for both roles. Even if some would consider that communication TFTB.

So go back to Monster saying it's manipulation. How many Dominants are easy to manipulate? I've no clue on that. I just know that Monster is not manipulateable. Unfortunately I learned that very early on. To the detriment of my bo-hiney. That's what makes me think some Doms don't necessarily have a Dominant personality. And why I don't really feel like topping from the bottom is really a "thing." To me it's more of a catch-all excuse for something not going right.


  1. I think that's a fair assessment - manipulation. I would never dream of doing that to Daddy. I would not be intersted in a Dom that could be - that's not....well Dominant. I do not submit - I am submissive. Daddy does not dom - Daddy is a Dominant male, it rolls off of him in waves, it is tangible - and THAT is delicious!

    1. I hate to admit it, but I did try to manipulate Monster at the beginning. Not because I'm a manipulative person, but because I had to know if he would bend. I'm not proud of that, but I am glad that it worked out in the end. I have ex-boyfriends that were crazy straws. Bending and turning and never once saying, enough. I need that Dominant force. I need to be pulled in before I get to far out, not tossed a floatie as I sail away.

      And it's like you said, Monster is a Dominant male.

      *I replied once and lost what I said. So if I remember what my other part was, I will come back. Lol*


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