The girl I was...

*Warning: This is going to be long**

The girl I was five years ago… Was broken. She had no hope left, but that which was placed in her son. Faith was an illusion. Not religiously, but faith in people. She had open wounds that felt as though they would never heal. Her mind was a pit of darkness that seemed everlasting She went through her days in a fog. Going with the motions, pretending that inside she wasn’t burning alive. She agreed when people told her “it’s for the better”, “you deserved better”, and the oh so famous, “you don’t need a man to be happy”. At the time she didn’t realize, that indeed, it was “for the best”.

She did feel she deserved it There was a part of her that knew, just KNEW, she deserved everything that was done. Because she was a stubborn, selfish, heartless, malicious girl. She hid behind a role. The role of leader.

She was the one that took care of everything. She worked, she cooked, she cleaned, she paid the bills, she went through the “act” of physical intimacy (but she was mentally absent), she was “The One in Charge” During all of this, she just wanted something…more. A word of appreciation. A kind gesture (not forced because of a Hallmark holiday). A shoulder to cry on, someone who acted as if he cared.

Yes, she felt that wanting these things made her a bad wife. That if she would only have looked the other way when bad things happened, instead of resisting, she would have deserved what she had.

She felt worthless and unloved. Like she was a disappointment. It didn’t help to have it reconfirmed with every conversation that she had with him. She was ugly, she was a b****. She had no heart and in its place was a little hard stone. She was stoic, cold, uncaring, and unresponsive in every area of her relationship.

Except for her son.

He brought her joy. She loved, laughed, and lived for him. So the war began again. She drove him away, because he no longer mattered. Being a parent was more important than being a wife.

Then… Her world crumbled.

She built it back. Piece by jagged, broken piece. Not all fit, but she built a strong, thick wall around her damaged heart. She swore she would never give that much of herself away again. There would never be another chance for someone to tear her down again. She lived her life and hid her pain. Friends and family thought she was in a better place. If they only knew that her son was the only thing that kept her alive. She never expected to love. She knew she was undeserving. An act that was wasted on her.

Then… She met a guy.

A guy that made her smile. He was sweet and charming. He actually listened when she talked. He told her she was pretty. Her stubborness was funny, but he was more stubborn.

The wall that she meticulously built, started to shake, pieces began to fall. Her heart grew and turned those pieces to dust.

She fell in love.

A love that made the other look like a bad case of gas.

He took her hand and showed her honesty. Not just in words, but in actions as well. He showed her she was special. He took her broken pieces and blew them into the wind. No use in building something new with pieces tainted by negativity, he said.

So they built together and made her whole. Giving her back the qualities she had lost. Hope, faith, trust innocence, love, and purity. They worked in harmony…most of the time, because the stubborn piece, it refused to be moved. They shaped her into the girl she is today.

**ME**

I look back on that girl now and I commend her. She did the best that she could, with the choice she had made. I see the little girl inside of her that wanted so badly to be set free. I see that what she needed the most, would never have been found in him. I know her pain and I carry it with me. Proof that in every darkness there is a light. She made mistakes, but she owned them. I’m not sure I would change her, even if I could. She didn’t deserve everything she had put against her, but she did deserve his departure.

In a sick and twisted way…I appreciate him. For all the harsh words, horrid actions, and blatant lies. In all this, I can now appreciate the lesson it taught me.

I can now look at myself in the mirror and not feel disgusted. I know that in every lie there is a truth, in every action an example, and words are only harsh when intended.

My past allows me the freedom to know my Daddy Monster, to trust him, to love him unconditionally. I know my limits, I know my strengths, and I know that I am not a waste of life. I know I have value. He gives me honesty, even when I really don’t want it. Okay, I want it, but sometimes I might not want to hear it. ;)

I know my thoughts are important. My curiosity endearing. My childlike behavior is more precious than gold. I know that I can talk when I need to and he will listen. He won’t tell me that he is to busy or that I am annoying him. He allows me to grow and evolve into what I am meant to be. He doesn’t look at me with weary eyes. He encourges my “experiments”. He believes in me and trusts my judgment.

He allows me to let the girl out that I trapped for so long. He waits on her and draws her out. He places ideas in her head and smiles when she shows herself. She’s a part of me, as I am a part of her.

I am more open to things, because I know I am in good hands. I can look back through the past five years and be proud of what I have become. I can see where I have grown, where I have bloomed, and I can tell that I am on the right path.

My views have changed and I am more willing to to try different things. I can see how my demeanor has changed I can go back to being the giggly girl I was at 16. I can be her and know that I will not be hurt at 17, married by 19, and completely hollow by 23. I don’t have to worry that Monster will crush me.

He holds more power than the other ever did. But he also knows how vulnerable and fragile HIS girl is. I give him the power to break me, but the love,trust, faith, and belief that he won’t.

I am his. Even if he were to let me go, I will always cherish and love him. He’s stuck in my heart and will never be let go.

Originally Written: April 2011