Sunday, July 1, 2012

Sleepless and away from home

Sometimes it feels like a passing phase, this thing called masochisim. There are times when it is placed so far back into the depths of my mind, that I completely forget that I enjoy the burn, sting, and pain of certain things. Then...well, then there are times where it's a fire burning in the depths of my soul. I'm consumed with the desire to be treated like a ragdoll. Poked, prodded, slapped and then left in a puddle of euphoria, waiting to come back down.

Right now, I'm stuck in an in-between. Craving and distancing. Wanting it more and more, but knowing once the fire is lit, it will be a while before it burns out. Stuck in a constant state of battling myself. I want it, I need it, I crave it, please Daddy Monster, please take me past my breaking point. I don't want it, please no, please don't do it.

Maybe because right now, at this very moment, I am in my hometown. Where no matter what, I can't have it. Where my ghosts still haunt me. Where my past sneaks up like a theif and robs me of my happy place. Making small things at home feel like gigantic obstacles that I can't pass. Which in turn makes things here feel too intense to handle. For example, I freaked out in Wal-Mart today.

I ran into a friend I haven't seen in months. We caught each other up on things then went about our business. But I flipped. My nerves had already been shot. As soon as we passed that county line to get here, I felt that switch back into old me. The me that still surfaces at times. The old me that was hurt and scared and searching for some semblance of control in a world of madness.

That county line brought it all back. Staying in my childhood home. Driving through the streets I grew up with. Going to places that stir up old memories I like to forget. Seeing people that I once knew. Then the dreaded questions that always get asked or the gossip that has to be shared. Yay! *read the yay as completely sarcastic ;)*

The thing is, at home, I have my cocoon of security. No one knows me or my past where we live. I don't run into old friends/acquaintances. I am Monster's girl. Here, I am the girl that married her high school sweetheart right out of high school. The girl that made some bad decisions as a teenager. The Cross Candian Ragweed song "17" could kind of fit in here. I'll always be 17 in my hometown.

It sucks, but it also helps to remind me of how far I have grown as a person. I'm just not "that" girl anymore. I have love. I have faith in that love. I have our life, with our kids. These people don't see it, but I do. Every reminder they give me makes me stronger in who I am now. Every reminder makes me crave that pain only Monster can bring. That pain that surrounds me in love, acceptance, and warmth.

That pain, that I have to wait for, for at least another week. Craving it and not wanting it. Knowing I need it, but can't have it. Feeling my skin grow tight with the thought of it. Fighting against the desire to sneak off somewhere for a couple of hours. Fighting against that thought that I don't need it, because I can make it on my own without it. Haha, at least that's what one part of my head thinks. It's not winning much confidence from the other part.

And all this is rattling around in my head on the second night here. At 3:30 in the morning. :/

Sleep, here I come...maybe...eventually...I hope.


  1. I know what you mean when you say somtimes its like a fire buring in your soul and other times you forget about it. I find that being around my family makes me more masochistic, and I hate being alone and away from my Daddy :( even when hes just a work.But I respect that hes at work and I don't text him all the time or anything like that. I know he misses me too. I'm sure its just as hard for your daddy aswell. x

  2. (I live in England im not up at 5am! its is 11am here lol)

    1. Luckily, Monster is with me. I don't know how I would handle the distance if he didn't come.

      My family makes me more masochistic as well. I think it's mostly because pain play is my cheap therapy and here I always go a little crazy. Maybe not my family, exactly, but more of the reminders of the past is what gets to me more.

      I'm like you, I miss Monster like crazy when he is gone during the day. I appreciate what he does, but that little part of me just wants him with me always. Lol


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